“As this heart opening occurs, true intimacy is born and two people meet within a single awareness.” ~ Richard Rudd
Number 59
Gift: Intimacy
Shadow: Dishonesty
Siddhi: Transparency
Programming Partner: 55 – Freedom
My Wisdom Story
“My parents had a strong chemistry, but their relationship was fraught with tension and conflict. My father constantly complained about being trapped. When he went out at night, my mother would bombard him with intrusive questions and throw fits when he wouldn’t fess up to his latest extramarital escapade. Usually he’d go off in a huff, removing himself from family activities. But instead of sharing how excluded he felt, the whole fiasco would repeat itself.
Throughout my childhood, my parents kept so many secrets and never came clean with their hurts. I was a deep, shy, and introverted teen. Unlike my siblings, I could never figure out how to interact with the opposite sex. It all seemed so messy. So I stayed home while my siblings dated, and felt excluded like my mother. Even when they invited me along, or tried to set me up, I was convinced they just pitied me and didn’t want me there, so I refused.
As I got older, I developed friendships with men, but was never attracted to the nice ones. When with someone I felt attracted to, usually a bad boy, I’d feel a surge of mistrust and shut down. Until I met a man I couldn’t resist. Our sexual chemistry was so powerful it felt spiritual. For the first time, I fantasized about marriage and children.
He wasn’t a bad man, and I sincerely believe he cared about me. But I couldn’t control my fears, or their control over me. To avoid losing him, I hid aspects of who I was and played games to keep him interested. I often doubted why he wanted to be with me, so I excluded myself from his social life, and then felt rejected. Or, when I felt him slipping away, I’d try to prevent him from having a social life. When he called me controlling, jealous and dishonest, I broke up with him.
It took me a long time to grieve the loss of that relationship, and to feel the terror beneath the sadness and anger that I’d been carrying with me since childhood. That was the beginning of a long journey towards radical honesty with myself, and in my relationships. Today, my beloved partner and I counsel couples, helping them own their fears, share their truth, open their ears and hearts to each other, without pulling or pushing away Intimacy is my greatest teacher, and my spiritual path.”
My Gift to You
It’s time to come clean with the people you love. To be truly Intimate, you much be totally honest with yourself, and be willing to accept and express your deepest fears. Understand, when you open a door to another person, you are letting go of control and opening yourself up to being influenced on a deep emotional level. IF you carry wounds from the past, as most of us do, this can be scary. Whether you fear being trapped or abandoned, do not judge your feelings. You will be rewarded with unleashed creativity, beauty and sensuality, and the wonderful possibility of communing with another human being, in one field of awareness. There’s no limit to what two open hearts can do together.
Questions for Contemplation
- Is your fear of being abandoned by a romantic partner keeping you from being honest? From committing more fully? Is it causing you to over-seduce or try to control your partner?
- Is your fear of being trapped sabotaging a current (or potential) relationship? Are you often planning your escape?
- Do you sometimes feel excluded, or exclude yourself out of fear?
- Are you often puzzled by the people you are attracted to?
- Think of a time when you were courageously Transparent. How were you received? How did you feel?
- Journal and reflect upon your biggest “relational edges” when it comes to trusting others. How can you stretch yourself?
“It is always at the very end, when we have all but given up hope of redemption that liberation comes.” ~ Richard Rudd
Number 55
Gift: Freedom
Shadow: Victimization
Siddhi: Freedom
Programming Partner: 59 – Intimacy
My Wisdom Story
“From as early as I can remember, I was moody. I constantly searched for outer reasons to explain my moods, and spent my entire youth chasing after everything and everyone I believed caused me joy, and avoiding or blaming those I held responsible for my pain. As I matured, instead of longing for superficial “feel good” opportunities, I yearned to feel personally free, romantically fulfilled and spiritually enlightened.
So I embarked on a quest for the perfect soulmate, teacher, and heightened state of being. I became a professional seeker, tantric whiz and workshop junkie. I fell in and out of love with so many people, practices, and gurus I lost count. When I was in love, I believed I was free.
But actually I was trapped and addicted to the never-ending hope of romance, the dream of liberation, the catharsis of drama. I was hooked on disappointment, and how secretly great I felt complaining about my unending stream of bad luck. The roller coaster had no end. My emotions ruled me. Even thought I could see and explain all of “my issues,” I was still hopelessly blind to the fact that I wasn’t taking responsibility for my life. I was still giving my power away to something or someone “out there,” who could rescue me, or make me miserable.
In the end, it was all about me. My love. My awakening. My happiness. My disappointment. It wasn’t until I met a woman who saw into the core of my victimization that my heart cracked open. I could no longer hide from her, or myself.
It was through the intimacy of our relationship that I learned to face my deepest fears and most hidden agendas. For the first time in my life, I rose in love instead of falling. Not just with her, but with all of life. I stopped complaining and blaming others. No longer burdened by complicated stories and devastating dramas, I was free to feel much more deeply and fully, and to make decisions without agonizing and second-guessing. No longer clinging to teachers or techniques, I started experiencing the kinds of synchronicities I’d always dreamed of. Just naturally, I did more of what I loved, writing songs, enjoying friends and spending time in nature.
Now people tend to relax around me. They feel free to be who they are. I now know deep in my soul that I am connected to all of life.
My Gift to You
I come to tell you that the Freedom you seek has nothing to do with what you do, what you understand or how you feel. It has to do with the attitude you embrace, no matter what is happening within or around you. Can you live your life without over-relying on outer paths, systems and structures to keep you safe? Can you fully feel whatever you’re feeling, without getting lost in drama or the stories of the mind? Can you experience a longing, without rushing to meet it, or escape it? Can you find peace during painful moments? Can you embrace not knowing? Can you simply be? Freedom is yours the moment you give up the thought that someone else is responsible for your life, or that you are separate from life. Practice transparency and radical self-acceptance, and you will discover your magnificence.
Questions for Contemplation
- Where are you your own worst enemy?
- What and who do you tend to complain most about, or blame?
- Where do you most feel like a victim? Be honest.
- What systems or structures do you find yourself relying on, or hiding behind? What might happen if you let them go?
- Think of a time in your life you felt Free and empowered. How would you describe your overall attitude at the time?
- Go one day without complaining or blaming, see what happens.
I hope that these offerings are what you needed for today.
Much love and many blessings,
Kathy
Pathfinder's Healing Arts 
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